


Aegaeon's Perfectly Normal Day

by TheMindGamer



Category: Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Action, Blades of Justice, Crack Fic, Easter Egg, Gen, Helicopters, Mexican Malos, Mind Control, Seagulls (Not Mentioned), Territorial Goku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 08:16:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14208993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMindGamer/pseuds/TheMindGamer
Summary: Aegaeon wakes to find himself alone in an inn. Well... not completely alone. There is that bunnit. That's a little odd, but otherwise things are perfectly normal.  ...right?This is a repost of a certain chapter from D.U.I. If you've read it, you know which.





	Aegaeon's Perfectly Normal Day

Aegaeon lifted his head with a groan. Rubbing his brow, he scanned the room. The drawn curtains blotted the midmorning sun casting the room into a dim gloom. He groaned again as he suppressed his first inclinations to simply roll over and go back to sleep. Instead, he slipped out of bed.

Aegaeon rolled a crick from his shoulder as he entered into the hallway. Lethargically, he plodded his way down the stairs and into the lobby. Once there, he glanced around. He had yet to spot a soul, and the inn was unusually quiet for supposedly housing over twenty people. Aegaeon sighed. He assumed they had gone off somewhere without him. If he had known that, he certainly would have stayed in bed.

Still feeling stiff, Aegaeon stretched his shoulder to alleviate the same crick once more then turned back to the room. He froze as a bunnit sat munching a meaty carrot in the hallway he had just come down. Aegaeon squinted, and the bunnit looked up at him. Its mouth chewed at the bits of carrot causing its nose to bob up and down. Aegaeon tiptoed forward not wanting to scare it off.

Aegaeon held his breath as he reached down toward the bunnit. As he was right on the cusp of lunging for the capture, it darted off around his left side. Twirling around, Aegaeon gave chase. He rounded the corner and dashed down the hallway. He spotted its tail as it slipped out the opened rear entrance. Aegaeon flung the door open, and nearly shat himself.

Red fur danced in the arid air as the massive ape sitting in the alley turned his head toward him. Rotbart roared. Aegaeon slammed the door shut. What the hell has he doing here? He's supposed to be in Gormott. Aegaeon gasped down more air than he needed in his terror.

Aegaeon remained with his back pressed to the door. As his breathing slowed, he began to wonder why it was still so quiet. Surely the giant ape would paw at the door to get to him or something. Turning around, he opened the door but a crack and peeked out. The alley was empty. Aegaeon sighed with a relief that was quickly drowned out again with more worry.

He needed to warn someone. If the Territorial Rotbart was loose in the middle of a town, it was only a matter of time before it killed someone or multiple someones. Aegaeon hurried back to the lobby.

Again, he found the entrance to the inn deserted. Aegaeon held his chin in thought. He would start here. First he would check every room. If he was truly alone, he'd venture into town and find Morag. It was all he could do. Fighting off that ape alone would be a death wish. Aegaeon's head snapped around as someone kicked in the door.

A muscular, dark-haired man with a thick mustache and wearing a colorful poncho and wide sombrero strutted into the room. Aegaeon squinted as the man took a drag from his cigar. "Don't I know you?" Aegaeon asked.

"Yo no soy un tipo tu conoces. Yo soy El Malo, un hombre peligroso," Malos said.

Aegaeon blinked. "What?" he asked.

"Yo quero todo los huevos dorado del bunnit," Malos said but Aegaeon didn't understand a word.

To their right, Perceval crashed in through a window. Aegaeon covered his face as glass shards rained down. Malos shouted something indistinct. "Your reign of villainy comes to and end, El Malo!" Perceval said drawing his blade.

"Tu no puedes hacer nada," Malos replied.

Perceval looked at Aegaeon. "Surrender. You are outnumbered."

Malos laughed. "Estamos dos y dos. ¿Estas ciego, Perceval?"

Perceval stood upright out of his battle stance. "I see no one else."

Malos looked back the around the room. "¿Y donde esta el guanajo?" Malos turned and stepped back out the front door. "¡Dale guanajo! Fajar con las gente."

"I don't understand any of that!" someone whined. "Why don't you make Akhos come with you when you do this weird stuff?"

"Cause Akhos is a little bitch," Malos shouted back.

"But you call me the same thing," Mikhail replied.

"Well, Akhos is a bigger little bitch," Malos said.

"Wouldn't that just be 'smaller bitch'?" Mikhail asked.

"I don't give a shit, Mik! Get in there!"

Mikhail walked in; his shoulders sagged as he walked. He wore a turkey mask that covered half his face. "Hi," he said giving a half-hearted wave.

Malos stepped in behind him taking a drag from his cigar. "Ahora," he said and drew his monado. Perceval returned to his battle crouch prompting Aegaeon to place his own hand on his katana. Mikhail drew a pair of rubber squeaky hammers with a grimace.

Perceval lunged. Malos lifted the monado stopping Perceval's slash. Perceval then swung his leg around crashing it into Malos who blocked it with his forearm. Malos jabbed with the hilt of the monado. Perceval jumped back, and the pair rounded in a circle as they each assessed how to approach the other again.

Aegaeon and Mikhail, meanwhile, looked at one another apprehensively. Neither wanted to make the first move, and Aegaeon doubted Mikhail even wanted to fight.

Suddenly, the entire wall with the window Perceval had crashed through caved in. "Don't forget me!" Captain Padraig shouted from the back of the Relentless Arduran.

Malos and Perceval stopped and looked up.

"Who are you?" Captain Padraig asked Malos.

Malos crossed his arms. "Yo soy El Malo, un hombre peligroso," he said then glanced at Perceval and Aegaeon before turning back. "...y tu?"

"I am the lord of Gormott's seedy underbelly and first disciple of Don Dondon. I am the oncoming storm, the unburnt, the ubermensch. I am matter. I am antimatter. I am vengeance. I am the end," Captain Padraig shouted raising his fist in the air.

Malos blinked then removed the cigar from his mouth to lick his lips. "...y tu nombre, amigo?"

"Padraig," Captain Padraig replied. "Don't forget me."

"Ahh..." Malos returned his cigar to his mouth. He turned back to Perceval. "Ahora, dame los huevos."

Perceval glared. "Your villainous ways end here, El Malo."

"No, I'm here to kill Perceval," Captain Padraig protested. "I am the sworn enemy of the Blades of Justice not you. It is my blood-borne right."

Ignoring their conversation, Aegaeon stared at the giant ardun as he faintly wondered how much it would cost to ship one so big so far.

"Call them in!" Captain Padraig shouted snapping Aegaeon back from his thoughts.

Perceval leapt up and smashed his fist into Captain Padraig's head knocking him off the still docile Relentless Arduran. "I'm not calling them in for a level 8," Perceval said darkly.

Captain Padraig touched his helmet with his forefinger. Aegaeon saw the Arduruan that had moments before been pawing at the ground with its hooves stiffen and gain a glazed look in its eye. It swung its head smashing it into Perceval and throwing him across the room.

Perceval grunted and clutched his side as he lay on the ground. He pressed a button on his utility belt as he stood. Aegaeon wondered why he had never noticed the big, golden belt the blade had most certainly always worn and had been around his waist the entire time. "Fine. Have it your way."

"The gavel of justice falls," Godrey shouted as he crashed in through the roof.

"Breast give up now, Captain," Perun said diving in behind him. She wagged her finger as her bosom bounced more than it should have. She spotted Malos and flinched readying her spear. "Tits El Malo!" Godfrey readied his hammer as well.

Malos laughed putting his hand on his hip and holding his cigar in his forefingers. "Las mujeres conocen un hombre peligroso."

"Behave!" Captain Padraig yelled back before returning to directing the Arduran with his helmet once more.

"My hammer burns with righteous fury. For great justice!" Godrey shouted as he charged the massive ardun. The Relentless Arduran inhaled then spewed noxious fumes into the air.

"Be careful, this gas will knockers you out," Perun warned covering her face.

Godfrey brought down the hammer onto the ardun's skull. The Arduran rammed at Godrey with its head unfettered.

Perun drove her spear into the Arduran's side while Perceval slashed the opposing side. The Arduran hopped into the air slamming its hooves into the ground and sending shockwaves out from the impact.

"Watch your footing when it boobs like that," Perun said.

Captain Padraig laughed. "See, I have them on the ropes. What makes you think you can take me, El Malo?"

"Callate. Tu hables basura. ¡Yo soy El Malo, un hombre peligroso, y yo tango un monstruo tambien!" Malos shouted clearly growing annoyed. He snapped his fingers. The roof overhead collapsed in as Ophion crashed through it.

"No, I'm the better supervillain. Yer done!" Captain Padraig said directing the Arduran to attack Ophion.

"Malos!" Rex yelled from behind snapping Aegaeon from this spectacle. Aegaeon whirled around. The entire group stood behind him ready for combat.

"What do you want Malos?" Mythra yelled.

Malos frowned bearing his teeth as he chewed the end of the cigar. "Yo no soy Malos. Ustedes no conocen mi cara. Soy El Malo, un hombre peligroso."

Ignoring him, Rex charged with an underwhelming battlecry. Malos held up his monado in preparation. Rex attacked. Spinning around, he sliced twice with the aegis sword.

Nia rode by on Dromarch followed by Zeke, Pandoria, Morag, and Brighid.

"Come on," Brighid said as she passed. Aegaeon took a step to follow before halting in confusion. Brighid stood giving her ether to Zeke who wore the special inquisitor uniform. He avoided a laser then cracked the whipswords into Ophion's head.

He glanced over at Morag who was swinging Pandoria's big bang edge. Her coattails billowed. She fired a beam of electricity into Ophion's hull.

"Wait, which one of you is my driver?" Aegaeon asked.

"Think you can take me?!" Captain Padraig said jumping on the ardun's back and joining the fray himself.

Zeke cracked a whipsword across the Arduran's face. It mooed in anger. Charging forward it knocked, Zeke into the air.

Ophion fired rockets pelting the entire fight with its volley.

Captain Padraig kicked his heels and the Arduran started jumping in place. It slammed the earth with its hooves, and a crack appeared in the ground. It grew wide as the split beneath their feet and the ground itself swallowed up Morag, Pandoria, Zeke, and Brighid.

Tora and Poppi ran up. "Tora take revenge for friends!" he shouted. Poppi looked strange. Instead of metal, her body was made entirely from food products.

"Tora make brand new Poppi form: Poppi Yumyum," Tora shouted. "Poppi, use tasty cannons." Poppi flew into the air and fired vegan sausages at the massive ardun. It recoiled in pain.

Arduran charged again before grabbing Tora in its mouth.

"Wait, Tora not tasty!" Tora yelled as the Arduran gobbled him down.

"Poppi very tasty!" Poppi said as she was likewise eaten.

Across the room, Malos, Rex, Perceval, and Mythra were still locked into their swordfight. Malos dove to the right avoiding a slash from Perceval then brought his monado up toward Rex to be met with the Aegis sword.

A bunnit hopped into the middle of what remained of the lobby. In its tail it carried a golden egg.

"¡Guanajo miras!" Malos shouted as he pointed at it. Mikhail dipped his head up from behind the couch he had been hiding behind.

Mikhail dashed for the bunnit. Aegaeon, not entirely clear on the situation, but having picked up that the bunnit had some vague importance, ran toward it from the opposite direction. The bunnit darted away from Mikhail only to see Aegaeon and turn around again. Trapped between the two, it hopped frantically in circles.

"Let me have it, Mikhail," Aegaeon said calmingly

Mikhail frowned. "The faster I get those eggs, the faster I can go home, man."

"Why are they important?" Aegaeon asked.

Mikhail shrugged. "Beats me. I'm just the henchman."

A massive cloud swooped down from the sky casting its shadow over Aegaeon and Mikhail, " Sorry, old boys, but this belongs to me," Rotbart said from the back of the cloud as he snatched up both the bunnit and the egg. "Cheerio," he said waving. The cloud caused a strong wind to form in its absence that knocked both Aegaeon and Mikahil to the ground.

Malos roared then jumped onto Ophion and kicked his heels. "¡Arriba!" he shouted as Ophion reared back and shot after the flying monkey.

"Aegaeon, to the Percycopter!" Perceval said appearing next to Aegaeon. He hoisted him back to his feet before dashing off. Aegaeon glanced back at Mikhail before sighing then gave chase after Perceval.

"What's a 'Percycopter'?" Aegaeon called forward as he followed Perceval up the stairs. Aegaeon leapt past a collapsed portion of the stairs careful not to land on any unstable parts of the ruined terrace. He turned and saw the Boeing AH-64 Apache attack helicopter sitting on the roof with Perceval's gourd emblazoned on the front and blades that resembled chroma katanas.

Perceval jumped into the cockpit. He flicked a few switches before noticing Aegaeon still standing there. He stared prompting Aegaeon to climb into second seat behind him. The glass cover closed, and the blades began to spin.

The percycopter lifted into the air, and Aegaeon gasped. He looked over the console ahead of him. Buttons littered the space around a pair of monitors, and a pilot stick jutted out from beneath them. He pressed one of the buttons. A rocket fired from the side wing and leveled a building. Perceval glared back at him. "Uh... sorry," Aegaeon said blinking.

In the distance, Aegaeon spied Opheon and Rotbart engaged in dogfight. Ophion fired rockets that Rotbart blocked with his forearms. Smoke from the explosions engulfed him.

A moment later, Rotbart flew from the smoke apparently having jumped from the cloud and crashed his fist into Ophion's head narrowly missing Malos. Malos stood and swung his monado gashing Rotbart's arm.

Rotbart continued to fall while his cloud swooped down to catch him.

"Fire at the cloud," Perceval ordered. Aegaeon blinked then looked at his panel. Having no idea how to operate it, he pressed the same button once more. A rocket fired from the side and sailed between Rotbart and the cloud before crashing into Ophion. Ophion fired a laser from its mouth as it roared in pain.

Using this as a distraction, Perceval flew the percycopter directly at the cloud while unloading the front machine guns into it. Being a cloud, it wasn't really affected, but having been cut off from his landing by the chopper, Rotbart hit the blades and started spinning. The giant gogol extended his arms and jumped again flying through the air in a pirouette.

"Yer done!" Captain Padraig shouted from the back of the Relentless Arduran as they galloped through the air.

"Moooooooo!" the arduran added as they crashed into Ophion and Malos. Twirling through the air with his arms now outstretched, Rotbart landed on the Ardurans back.

"Behave!" Captain Padraig shouted as the ape picked him up with one hand. Rotbart grabbed Captain Padraig's head between the fingers of his other hand and pulled. It separated.

"It's all ogre now!" the unmasked Captain Shrek shouted. His green ear horns flopped in the wind. Malos jumped from Ophion raising his monado to strike down Rotbart. The massive ape threw Captain Shrek at Malos halting the attack and sending them both flying. Swinging down, Rotbart landed back on his cloud.

Perceval whirled the chopper around shooting the machine guns at the ape. Rotbart flew ahead of the gunfire holding his hands to near side as if her were trying to protect a large ball.

"Kaaaaah," Rotbart said. Perceval pulled the copter upwards as Ophion tried to ram them.

"Meeeeh," Rotbart continued. He flew to the right as Ophion swapped his target to the giant ape. Perceval shot at Ophion, and Aegaeon pressed the rocket button again.

"Haaaah," Rotbart said. Ophion fired its own rockets that Perceval narrowly avoided by flying low. A few exploded into the Relentless Arduran enraging it. The Arduran charged at Ophion crashing through the percycopter's tail.

"Meeeeh," Rotbart repeated. As the chopper spun in the air, Perceval opened the cockpit and jumped.

"Haaaaaah!" Rotbart fired a massive beam of energy from his hands missing Perceval but searing the chopper clear in two and blowing a hole into Ophion. Perceval drove his katana deep into the ape's heart.

Aegaeon clung to the seat of the falling chopper. The wind buffeted his face and his coat flapped violently. His mind raced. There was nowhere to run. There was nowhere to escape to. All he could do is fall and crash into the whiteness below them where he would be swallowed up by the cloud sea. Aegaeon knew these next few seconds were his last.

Something gold glinted among the flaming debris. Aegaeon recognized the bunnit egg. If he was going to die, he'd at least be the one to retrieve the thing that killed him. He dove for it kicking his half of the percycopter in the other direction.

The egg was still too far away. Though he couldn't reach it, he was slowly gaining on it. Closer and closer and closer. Another moment and Aegaeon's fingers closed over it.

For a brief moment, all Aegaeon saw was endless white. Then he hit the water.

Aegaeon's limp body sank into the darkness. The creatures that lived in the cloud sea floated by him. A group of medooz swam by. Close behind a serprond followed and ate up one of the medooz. Crustips and krabble crawled along the hull of an old ship. None cared for the carcass that sank by them.

Darkness cradled his body in its cold embrace, and the world sped by. His body was eaten by the monsters and his core crystal eroded into dust. Aegaeon felt nothing and felt all as he stepped onto the small platform.

Purple glowed between what looked like concrete panels on the otherwise featureless platform. It was no larger than the throne room in Mor Ardain's palace. It hurdled through a starry expanse of nothingness, and Aegaeon could feel the power and agelessness of this place. It was his ultimate purpose- his final destination.

The golden egg lay cracked at Aegaeon's feet, but no yolk spilled from it. A glowing orb radiating a rainbow of energy drifted into his sight. Two lines crossed the sphere decidedly off center. Aegaeon took the orb in his hands and it shattered at his touch. The multicolored power entered his body and surged through him like a fire.

An unrecognizable noise rang out. No. Aegaeon did recognize it. It sounded like laughter. He turned around to find a massive white object descending from the star-speckled abyss. It was the master of this domain. It was the hand of this world's architect.

Aegaeon gripped the hilt of his chroma katana as the hand pointed at him. The power of the smashed ball swelled in him. He would defeat this foe in one strike.

He drew his blade ready to sear this dark master's hand in two. Something shook him. A familiar voice called his name. Suddenly he was back at the inn lying beneath the covers.

He squinted blearily at the figure standing over him. "Morag?" His head throbbed, and he wanted to collapse right back into bed.

"Yes," Morag said nodding.

Aegaeon rubbed his eyes trying to shake off the bizarre dream. "What time is it?" he asked.


End file.
